Somewhere in the Fish and Wildlife manual there is a small section about what to do if you happen to set a Moose on fire.  You know if there is a section like this, it got there because it happened.  Sure enough, a story appeared in the Anchorage newspaper.  As outrageous as it sounds something like an O’Henry story coming to life, I will attest that this account is one hundred percent true. The reason I am so sure is because there was an eyewitness to this bizarre event who provided photographs which the newspaper included along with the story. 

Having spent the last few years living in Chugiak with my family and in-laws, I have grown accustomed to some of the strange local lore that circulates around here.  Some of the outlandish stories can only happen in the Last Frontier where our proximity to Nature sets the stage for some unbelievable folklore.  But the story I am about to tell you comes off the front pages thanks to an eyewitness with a camera and a bird’s eye view of this incredible event.

First, you would think you would not likely see a moose sauntering down Muldoon in the state’s largest city in Alaska, Anchorage. But driving my mom from the airport to our home in Chugiak, she saw a moose calmly chomping on a bush near the hospital.  She was quite surprised to see this even if we weren’t.  Moose are a common sight in Alaska and outnumber the human population almost two to one.  Moose are everywhere and are the largest member of the deer and elk family. These behemoth creatures have legs that can measure up to six feet and a body mass that is easily as big as any vehicle you will see driving on the Parks Highway.

If you happen to have a moose encounter while walking in the woods, keep in mind that they have poor eyesight and a bad temper.  It’s a combination that makes me question what God was thinking when He was putting one of these things together.  If you see the ears are a-twitching, it’s time to get behind a tree. If you are unlucky enough to be in the open, there is nothing than can stop this gargantuan creature from stamping you into the muddy ground or scooping you up and sending you skyward into orbit.  More people are killed by moose in Alaska than any other creature that lives here. 

Since moose do not hibernate like their fiercest enemy the brown bear, they will eat any exposed vegetation poking through the snow.  Moose droppings are also collected by local artists for their art creations. I kid you not, because anything is possible when you live in Alaska.

Once again I have strayed from our subject of what to do if you ever set a moose on fire and like the State Farm commercial, “if you’ve seen it, we’ve covered it.” Am I off topic?  Alright, let’s try again.

  It was a cold January morning when a woman called the police about a moose munching on her shrubbery in her frozen fenced backyard yard.  The police deferred the call to Fish and Wildlife whose job was to rid the municipality of any unwanted wildlife infringing in the city limits.  She had planted a garden in the six-week growing season. Now the snow covered the plants in her once lush garden. A yearling moose had found his way into her garden to finish off what the leftovers. 

Shortly after the call was deferred, a step van pulled up with The Fish and Wildlife Department logo clearly marked on the side. Two men in mukluks and parkas get out of the vehicle. Carrying a pair of binoculars, the one wearing the checkerboard cap with the ear flaps peers over the fence.  He raises the binoculars up to his eyes (due to the size of these creatures, these binoculars were not really necessary to see the moose). But according to the manual, standard equipment must be used on all investigations of this department.

 The other guy wearing warm leather leggings snuck around to the other side of the fence surrounding the yard.  At this point the moose became alarmed as his ears begin to twitch. With one agent to the right and the other to the left, this moose, a yearling began to look for his mama. The moose has become concerned that these two had cut him off from the only escape route. Panic sets in and he is left with only one option, stand still and try to blend in. Even as young as he is, the yearling won’t be able to blend in as he watches both men peeking out from behind the fence. 

The agent in the checkerboard hat with earflaps loaded the rifle with a dart that would put the moose down.  But this leaves the problem of removing the sedated moose who weighs over eight hundred pounds from the enclosed backyard. As he takes aim, but the other man in the leggings states the obvious flaw in his plan, “Wait! How do we get him out once he’s on the ground?”

Reason once again has prevailed.

“I don’t know.” The checkboard hat shrugs.

By this time a man living in a second story apartment sees what was taking place after hearing the commotion outside.  Standing by the window he sees the drama unfolding in front of him, he begins to watch from his window.

The moose desperately tried to find a corner to blend into, but Nature has a healthy sense of humor and no matter how hard he tried, the poor moose could not disguise himself as a piece of shrubbery. He was really panicking now.

Meanwhile the two agents came together to revise their plan. The field manual lay open on the front seat of the step van. Using his finger to follow the procedure from the manual, Checkerboard Hat reads in detail about how to remove a menacing moose from a residential backyard.  

Both of them agreed the removal of a sedated moose would take a Herculean effort.  Neither of them seemed up for such a task since both of them together did not weigh as much as the moose.

“What are we going to do?” The man wearing the leggings questioned his partner.

“I dunno.” He continued to move his gloved finger across the page.

As they checked the manual, the man watching from his window, pulls up a chair with his coffee so he continue to watch fiasco taking place below. With a wicked grin, the man wondered what these two were going to do next. He sympathized with the terrified young moose.  He had no idea that what he was about to see would become a legend.  The two photographs he would later take would contribute to the local newspapers capturing the entire episode.

“It says here, moose hate noise.” The Checkerboard Hat pointed to the manual. “So, what do we have that makes noise?”

Leather Leggings shrugged before an evil smile planted itself on his pallid face, “We got some fireworks.”

“What kind?”

“Roman candles. You light them and aim where you want them to go, and they make a loud noise when they go off.” The man wearing the leggings explained.

“Sounds perfect.” Checkerboard Hat slapped his partner on the shoulder, “Let’s get `em.”

“Only got two.” Leather Leggings handed his partner two Roman candles.

“Should be enough.” The checkerboard Hat smiled producing a lighter from his parka pocket.

Seeing the agents now armed with fireworks, the man put down his coffee and got his Canon camera with the telescopic lens as his intuition was screaming that this was going to be good.

Below his window the two got themselves in position to fire off the ordinance.  The Checkerboard Hat took the lighter as Leather Leggings held the candle still. The fuse sparkled and flared, but it leapt out of Leather Leggings mittened hands and flew in a straight trajectory toward the moose. Now wide-eyed and frightened beyond his limits, the moose began to stomp and buck around the garden destroying it completely as pieces of shrubs began to rain down all over the yard.  In a few short minutes, the moose had completely destroyed the garden in his frenzied state of mind

“Fire when ready, Gridley.” Said the man in the Checkerboard Hat.

“Roger that!” Snapped Leather Leggings.

Swoosh!

Thump!

Thump?  That wasn’t the sound they were expecting, so Checkerboard Hat peered over the fence.  Much to his chagrin, he saw the Roman candle was wedged in the moose’s hackles.  Now if you ever petted barb wire, you know how the hackles on a moose feel.  And barb wire sticks to things, just like the Roman candle was at this moment still hissing away.  There was a pop, but due to the dampness of the moose’s hackles, the Roman Candle did not explode. Which turned out to be good news for the two agents.  The bad news was they had just set the moose on fire.

Snap! Snap! Went the camera from the second floor providing a clear picture of the smoke billowing from the moose’s hackles.

“What do we do now?” Leather Leggings began to whine.  The moose continued to eye the agents unaware that he was now on fire.  Both of them ducked behind the property fence. 

“I dunno.  Manual is pretty vague on what you do if you set a moose on fire.” Checkerboard Hat shook his head.

“Could call the fire department.” Leather Legging suggested, but Checkerboard Hat just rolled his eyes.

Finally, the moose felt the warmth of the fire on his hackles. With a brisk shake, he managed to rid himself of the fire.  With fierce determination, he charged the fence dead on taking out four boards in his desperate escape. 

Hearing the loud bang, both agents looked over the fence wondering what had caused the loud noise. 

“Maybe the dang thing went off.” Leather Leggings mused.

“Naw, if it did, it would be raining chunks of moose.” Checkboard Hat reasoned but did not really want to take a look. This could be hard for him to look at.

Finally after working up the nerve, both slowly peered over the fence.  They saw the moose was no longer ablaze.  He was now standing peacefully on the hill behind the apartment complex.  The fire he shook off had melted some of the snow around the backyard. 

The four boards he charged through lay in the snow in complete disarray.  When the moose saw Checkerboard Hat and Leather Leggings appear at the corner of the fence gawking at him, he turned his head and disappeared into the pines on the hill behind the apartments.

“So, are we going to write a report?” Checkerboard hat asked with his hands on his hips.

“Noo-waoh.  It never happened, hear?” He put his gloved finger in his partner’s face.  The Checkerboard Hat just shook his head with his jaw still resting on his chest.  The moose was gone.  The fence needed some repair, but that would be the duty of the superintendent of the apartment complex.  Both men got into the van and drove away as if nothing had happened.

Two weeks later the newspaper received a couple of pictures in the mail with a small note as to what and why the photographs were sent to them in the first place.

The editor laughed when he first saw the pictures. Then called in his staff to decide what to do.  It was clear that this was news fit to print.  His staff agreed and so they did. The one thing that made this too good to pass up, wasn’t that there was smoke coming from the moose’s hackles, but the facial expressions on the two men, one of them wearing a checkerboard hat and the other wearing leather leggings.

 With the note attached there was little doubt at what took place.  The editor had been in Alaska long enough to get the whole story from just one single shot.  He could see the moose was still very young.  Upon a closer look, he saw how very scared the moose was at what was taking place. The editor chuckled to himself as he thought, “Who could blame him since these two guys had just set him on fire.”

“Do me a favor.” He leaned back and put his feet on his desk speaking to his assistant, she smiled at him, “Get the chief of Fish and Wildlife on the phone, I want to have a little chat with him,”

“Yes sir.” She began to dial the phone.

They met for lunch at Humpy’s the next day, the editor slid the photographs over to the chief of the Fish and Wildlife Department.  After seeing the photographs the chief nearly spit out his beer. 

“Where the heck did you get these.” The chief’s face turned scarlet red.

“Unknown source.” The editor shrugged. “Are those your guys?”

“Sure as shooting are.” He huffed.

“So, when has it become standard operating procedure to set moose on fire?” He laughed as the chief turned even redder.

“We’ve been friends a long time. Can I call in a favor.” He handed the pictures back to the editor, “Can you and your paper kill this story?”

“I wish I could.  I really wish I could, but…” He paused, “This is just gold as far as we’re concerned. My entire staff voted to run this story.”

“You know I will have to make a public statement, doncha?” The chief threw his head back.

“Probably.” The editor nodded as the waitress placed his lunch on a sizzling plate in front of him.

“This pair told me that they had run this young buck off without incident except for the fence in the lady’s yard.” He poked at his grilled salmon with a fork as the editor was doing all he could to contain himself from a gut busting laugh. “Front page?”

“I’ll spare ya that, but we are going to put it on the front page of the Local Section.” The editor pointed his finger at the chief like a gun. 

The next day all hands at the newspaper were busy answering calls regarding the article entitled, “Fish and Wildlife Agents Set Moose on Fire.” One photograph was of the moose in the backyard and the photo afterwards was of the moose smoking after being hit with a projectile or Roman candle.  The chief called the television station to send a crew from the local news station to film his statement that would play on the evening news.

Flanked by two shamefaced agents, one wearing a checkerboard hat and the other leather leggings, the chief made his statement which turned out almost as hilarious than the story itself.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press, it has come to my attention that two weeks ago two of my agents were called by a lady in distress about a moose eating her garden.  According to the report, the moose managed to open the gate and wander into this woman’s fenced in backyard where he began to eat her garden and causing a public nuisance.  My office prides itself on going by the book which reduces harm to both citizens and creatures.  Our record clearly shows our dedication to this principle, safety for all.  It is a well-established fact that moose do not like to be in the vicinity of people especially if the people have dogs. Most of the time we do not have people and moose encounters that cause any great concern, but on this occasion due to the fact the moose was relatively young and not as fearful of humans, he wandered into a place where he could have caused peril to the people living in that apartment complex.  So, I dispatched a team to have the moose removed from the area as quickly as possible. What transpired did not meet our usual standards since the moose became quite unsettled by the presence of my men.” 

A question is called out from the back of the room, “So what you are saying is that setting the moose on fire is not normal procedure.”  The chief scowled for a second before continuing.

“No, it is not our department’s policy to set moose on fire.”

Laughter is heard as the chief’s face reddens.

“What I meant to say is that under no circumstances should this moose have been set on fire.  We do not encourage such a procedure.”

More laughter.  The chief runs his hand through his silver-gray hair.

“In all my years with the department, I can say unequivocally, that I have never known that this procedure was acceptable.  My agents informed me that if sedated as is our standard procedure, neither of them felt as though they could remove the moose from site safely.  Other means had to be considered for the safety of all.” Tittering from the reporters and again the chief coughs and continues.

“There have been some reports of questionable practices used during this operation but let me assure you that both the moose and citizens were always completely safe.” The chief does not look up at the reporters.

“Even when the moose was set on fire?” One of the reporters questioned.

He peered into the lights that flooded the podium he was standing behind, but he could not see who asked the question.

“As stated before it is not the practice of his department to set wildlife on fire, but this was an unfortunate outcome we were not planning on happening.”

There was a faint sound of applause which was not meant to be complimentary. Another voice sounded from the back of the room, “The agents fired Roman candles at the poor thing.”  It was a woman’s voice.

“The department wishes to apologize for any damage it may have caused to the operation of the moose.” He stated as sweat dripped down from his forehead.

“You need to apologize to the moose, then.” The woman reporter said.

“Hee Haw!” the laughter was contagious. He turned and glared at the two shamefaced agents and unable to meet their boss’ eye, bowed their heads in shame.

“This concludes my official statement.  Any inquiries or further information will be made available with my HR office.” He concluded.

The chief did not state that no such office existed in his department. There would be calls for interviews, but he would have his administration specialist disconnect any such calls while directing all emails on the matter to go directly to Spam.   With a wave he left the stage and walked into his office trailed by his agents guilty and not.

“What the Hell!” He slammed his open palms on his desk at an emergency staff meeting afterwards, “Those folks are going to make me sound like the biggest dumb ass in the history of Fish and Wildlife. Put this in the manual, under absolutely no circumstances will fireworks of any kind be used in the removal of a moose or any other creature.  Is that understood?”

“Yes sir.” A dozen voices said in unison.

“Damn right.” He managed to say in a civilized tone, “Now, take the rest of the day off on my command.  I need not to see any of you until Monday next.”

One by one the agents and the support staff shuffled out of the building to start the long weekend. As he reached down for his bottle of Irish Whiskey he had in his bottom drawer, the editor walked in.  He was not smiling or did not seem as if he had won the day.

“Got a clean cup?” The editor asked.

“Nope.” He shook his head, “You’ll have to settle for somewhat clean.”

“Done.” He took the coffee cup the chief was offering, and it had the logo for the department on the side.

“This will kill any germs still lingering.” He poured the editor a coffee cup full of the whiskey.

The editor took a swig and coughed, “Smooth.”

“Yeah.”  The chief winked before taking a big swig himself.  “Lemme ask you a serious question.”

“Sure.” The editor smiled.

“Did I sound like a dumb ass out there?” He finished what was in his cup.

“Not totally.  But this has created one heck of a story.” The editor tilted his chin back and laughed.

“Not the answer I was hoping for.” The chief let out a loud sigh.

“Yeah, but did you fire those guys?”

“Naw.  Their heart was in the right place.” He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“You are a good man.  Some hotheads I know would have cut them loose.” He held out his cup and the chief filled it, “Don’t worry too much, someone else will come along and create a story that will make them all forget about your guys setting fire to that moose.  Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for the moose either.  They have thick skins and a piss poor temper.”

“True, true.” They clinked coffee cups. “Still if anyone had told me this before it happened, I never would believe it.”

“That’s the beauty of Alaskan Lore; it just sounds too far-fetched to be true.” The editor laughed as he drained his cup.